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Bill Sherwood
Forums Junkie

Location:
Brisbane / Gold Coast
Registered:
May 2002

Re: plane jokes	Mon, 03 October 2005 14:37

Here's some 'new' ones you probably haven;t seen yet. LETTER FROM A RETIRED AIRLINE PILOT TO HIS PEERS: Here is a home study simulator course for those who still hunger for the romance and adventure of airline flying. That "Romance and Adventure" will all come back to you if you follow the steps of this "practice trip" at home: 1. Stay out of bed all night. 2. Sit in your most uncomfortable chair, in a closet, for nine or ten hours facing a four foot wide panoramic photo of a flight deck. 3. Have two or three noisy vacuum cleaners on high, out of sight but within hearing distance and operating throughout the night. If a vacuum cleaner fails, do the appropriate restart checklist. 4. Halfway through your nocturnal simulator course, arrange for a bright spotlight to shine directly into your face for two or three hours, simulating flying an eastbound flight into the sunrise. 5. Have bland overcooked food served on a tray midway through the night. 6. Have cold cups of coffee delivered from time to time. Ask your spouse to slam the door frequently. 7. At the time when you must heed nature's call, force yourself to stand outside the bathroom door for at least ten minutes, transferring your weight from leg to leg, easing the discomfort. Don't forget to wear your hat. 8. Leave the closet after the prescribed nine or ten hours, turn on your sprinklers and stand out in the cold and "rain" for twenty minutes, simulating the wait for the crew car. 9. Head for your bedroom, wet and with your suitcase and flight bag. Stand outside the door till your wife gets up and leaves, simulating the wait while the maid makes up the hotel room. 10. When your spouse inquires, "Just what in the hell have you been doing?" just say, "Recalling the allure of all night flying to romantic places." as you collapse into bed. 11. If you are a purist, make this a two-day trip instead of a turn-around, and do this two nights in a row. Hope you enjoy your sim session. --------------------- What is the ideal cockpit crew? ....... A pilot and a dog...the pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to bite the pilot in case he tries to touch anything. How many pilots does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one. He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him. How do you know if there is a pilot at your party? He'll tell you. What do pilots use for birth control? Their personality. What is the difference between a pilot and a jet engine? A jet engine stops whining soon after landing. ----------------------- - If Airlines Sold Paint - Think About It!! Think about this the next time you call about buying an Airline Ticket! If airlines sold paint. When do you intend to use the paint? Customer: Hi. How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things. Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price? Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon. Customer: What's the difference in the paint? Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint. Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint. Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint? Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off. Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint. Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint? Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday. Customer: You've got to be &%^#@ kidding! Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available. Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it! Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint. Customer: The price went up as we were talking? Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want? Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough. Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have. Customer: WHAT? Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint. Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it! Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems. Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night! Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint. Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a gallon" signs? Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans. Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else! Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon. Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200! Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different. Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint. Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir. Customer: You're insane! Clerk: Thanks for painting with Qantas. --------------- DON'T FORGET THE RULES OF COMBAT 1. The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard. 2. Friendly fire - isn't. 3. Suppressive fires - won't. 4. If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike 5. If your attack is going well, it's an ambush. 6. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready, when you're not. 7. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it, too. 8. Incoming fire has the right of way. 9. The newest and least experienced man will will usually win the Medal of Honor. 10. Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the general is. 11. Field experience is something you get right after you need it most. 12. When you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, your canteen lands at your feet. 13. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator. 14. Airstrikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short. DON'T FORGET THE RULES OF COMBAT 1. The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire. 2. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo. 3. Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at. 4. No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat. 5. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection. 6. Remember: your aircraft was made by the lowest bidder. 7. Never draw fire, it will irritate the rest of your formation. 8. Never share a cockpit with someone braver than you. 9. You are not Tom Cruise. 10. SAMs and AAA have the right-of-way. 11. If you aren't sure, the SAMs are pointed at you. 12. If hit, landing near the people that just shot you down is not a good idea. 13. Close only counts in horseshoes, nukes and proximity-fused missiles. 14. Smart bombs have bad days too. 15. The best defense is to stay out of range. 16. If you are short on everything but enemy, you are in combat. ------- You know you're a freight pilot when.... 1. Your airplane was getting old when you were born. 2. You have not done a daylight landing in the past six months. 3. ATC advices you of smoother air at a different altitude, but you don't care. 4. You taxi up to an FBO, they roll out the red carpet, but quickly take it back when the recognize you. 5. You call the hotel van to pick you up and they don't understand where you are on the airport. 6. Center asks you to "keep the chickens down" so they can hear you talk. 7. Your airplane has more than 75,000 cycles. 8. Your company call sign is "Oil Can". 9. The lady at the FBO locks up the popcorn machine because you plan on "making a meal of it". 10. Your airplane has more than eight faded logos on it. 11. You wear the same shirt for a week, and no one complains. 12. Center mispronounces your call sign more than three times in one flight. 13. Your Director of Flight Operations mysteriously changes your max takeoff weight during the holiday season. 14. Every FBO makes you park out of sight of their building. 15. You have walked barefoot thought the FBO because you just woke up. 16. You mark every ramp with engine oil. 17. Everything you own is in your flight bag and suitcase. 18. Your company office is a mobile trailer at the side of the ramp. 19. You eat dinner for breakfast and breakfast for dinner. 20. ATC is always asking for pireps because you are the first one through in 3 hours. 21. You turn final at 300' when you are being more cautious. 22. You know from experience that you can get 6 more landings outa those tyres when the canvas starts to show. 23. You keep a bottle of oxygen handy cos you can't get your cabin diff past 2 inches, and portable oxy is cheaper. 24. You know that if you stick some plastic bages in the corner of the door seal you can get another inch of diff press. 25. Your ADF is only used for picking up radio stations. 26. You can recite the locations and frequencies of at least 30 radio stations. ----- So there ya go. [Report message to a moderator]

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