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Location:
sydney
Registered:
June 2004
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anyone with good jokes out there
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Fri, 03 December 2004 08:23
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im in the need of cheering up..  does any one knoe any good jokes ...
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Location:
Sydney / NSW
Registered:
March 2004
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Re: anyone with good jokes out there
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Fri, 03 December 2004 08:45
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OK
a guy who thought was a smart ass walk into a doctors office and says....
"doc...everytime I look in the mirror I get an erection"
the doctor replies
"its because you look like a cunt"
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Location:
Liverpool, Sydney
Registered:
September 2004
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Re: anyone with good jokes out there
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Fri, 03 December 2004 08:47
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a seal walked into a club.
a man walked into a bar.
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Location:
Sydney
Registered:
April 2004
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Re: anyone with good jokes out there
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Fri, 03 December 2004 08:57
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Neko, you need some new jokes 
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
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I supported Toymods
Location:
sydney.au
Registered:
August 2002
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Re: anyone with good jokes out there
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Fri, 03 December 2004 09:01
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hjahahaha
thats good
i got one.
knock knock
whos there?
go fuck yourself
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Location:
Liverpool, Sydney
Registered:
September 2004
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Re: anyone with good jokes out there
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Fri, 03 December 2004 09:06
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i know i do, but those 2 are my fav's, as it took me so long to get them....
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Location:
Newcastle
Registered:
June 2004
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Re: anyone with good jokes out there
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Fri, 03 December 2004 09:34
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A guy is hiking up a mountain when he sees a girl standing at the edge of a cliff, crying. "Hey," he says, "if you're going to jump, how about giving me a blow job before you do it?" "My life's been nothing but crap," says the girl. "So I might as well." After the girl's done, the guy says, "Wow, that was great! Why are you so depressed, anyway?" The girl replies, "My family disowned me for dressing like a woman."
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Location:
Potts Point, Sydney
Registered:
October 2003
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Location:
Tassie
Registered:
October 2003
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Re: anyone with good jokes out there
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Fri, 03 December 2004 10:32
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where is the jokes thread it's like 3 pages long ?
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Location:
Newcastle
Registered:
June 2002
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Re: anyone with good jokes out there
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Fri, 03 December 2004 10:49
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>A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.
>I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
>Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The
>blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." Her
>boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and
>shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
>
>He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
>her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be
>able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
>
>He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice
>cup of tea, and then....." he said with a deep sigh"............ ....."
>Let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."
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Location:
Land of Oz
Registered:
June 2004
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Re: anyone with good jokes out there
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Fri, 03 December 2004 11:12
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Hi,
An Aussie, and Englishman and an Irishman construction workers are sitting down and having lunch. The Aussie looks at his lunch and says "Oh shit, cheese sandwiches again. I've had enough of cheese sandwiches. If I get another cheese sandwich I'm gonna jump off the bulding and kill myself."
The pommy looks at his lunch. "Oh shit, cheese sandwiches again. I've had enough of cheese sandwiches. If I get another cheese sandwich I'm gonna jump off the bulding and kill myself."
The irish guy looks at his lunch. "Oh shit, cheese sandwiches again. I've had enough of cheese sandwiches. If I get another cheese sandwich I'm gonna jump off the bulding and kill myself."
The next day they sit on top of the building and open their lunches. The Aussie says. "Fucking cheese sandwiches, again!" And, true to his word, he jumps off the building and kills himself.
The pommy looks at his lunch. "Fucking cheese sandwiches, again!" And, true to his word, he jumps off the building and kills himself.
The irish guy - same thing. And he jumps off and kills himself.
A few days later at the funeral the three grieving wives are talking to each other. Says the Aussie guys's wife. "If I had of known he hated cheese sandwiches so much I would of changed his lunch."
The pommy's wife says "If I had of known he hated cheese sandwiches so much I would of changed his lunch."
The irish guy's wife sobs, "He always made his own lunch."
seeyuzz
river
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Location:
Potts Point, Sydney
Registered:
October 2003
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Re: anyone with good jokes out there
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Fri, 03 December 2004 12:12
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A kid is sitting on a park bench stuffing his face with candy bars, one after the other...an old dude sitting across to him is shocked at how fast this kid's eating the bars...
Old Timer: "Son, those candy bars can't be good for you. They'll make you fat, give you acne and rot your teeth"
Kid: looks up and says "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old"
Old Timer replies: "Oh...did he eat 6 candy bars a day?"
Kid: "No, he minded his own fucking business"
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Location:
Potts Point, Sydney
Registered:
October 2003
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Location:
Sydney / NSW
Registered:
March 2004
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Re: anyone with good jokes out there
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Fri, 03 December 2004 12:20
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| dimmy77_03 wrote on Fri, 03 December 2004 23:15 |
Old dude sitting on a bench in the park, and all of a sudden an adolescent looking bloke with a mowhawk, and different coloued hair comes over and sits next to him.
The old dude can't help but stare at the freak sitting next to him, so the young guy says "What's up old timer, never do anything wild in your life?"
Old timer replies "Oh, i got drunk once and ended up fucking a peacock...just wondering if you were my son"
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Location:
Sydney
Registered:
September 2003
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Re: anyone with good jokes out there
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Fri, 03 December 2004 14:22
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these jokes are kinda racist so if you don't like that kinda stuff just skip this post 
Q: why is stevie wonder always smiling?
A: he doesn't know he's black
Q: what do you call a bunch of black kids playing in autumn leaves?
A: sultana bran
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Location:
Perth
Registered:
August 2003
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Location:
Sydney
Registered:
September 2004
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Re: anyone with good jokes out there
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Fri, 03 December 2004 15:42
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Hahahahaha
Keep em coming!
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Location:
sydney
Registered:
June 2004
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Re: anyone with good jokes out there
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Fri, 03 December 2004 22:51
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Location:
Sydney
Registered:
April 2004
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Location:
Sydney
Registered:
September 2003
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Re: anyone with good jokes out there
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Sat, 04 December 2004 02:46
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Q: whats red and looks like a bucket?
A: a red bucket
Q: whats blue and looks like a bucket?
A: a red bucket in disguise
Q: why did timmy fall off his bicycle?
A: because someone threw a fridge at him
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Location:
Coffs Harbour, NSW
Registered:
November 2004
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Re: anyone with good jokes out there
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Sat, 04 December 2004 03:51
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| Quote: |
Q: What do you call a dear with no ears
A: NoIDear.
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i think u meant:
what do u call a dear with no eyes?
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Location:
Sydney / NSW
Registered:
March 2004
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Re: anyone with good jokes out there
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Sat, 04 December 2004 05:18
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Q. what do you call a deer with no eye and no legs
A. still...noideer
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Location:
Land of Oz
Registered:
June 2004
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Re: anyone with good jokes out there
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Sat, 04 December 2004 05:30
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Q: What animal has a cunt in the middle of it's back?
A: A police horse
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Location:
Sydney
Registered:
April 2004
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Re: anyone with good jokes out there
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Sat, 04 December 2004 06:05
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| skellator wrote on Sat, 04 December 2004 14:51 |
| Quote: |
Q: What do you call a dear with no ears
A: NoIDear.
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i think u meant:
what do u call a dear with no eyes?
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Indeed., fixed!
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I supported Toymods
Location:
fairfield NSW
Registered:
January 2003
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Re: anyone with good jokes out there
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Sat, 04 December 2004 06:08
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this is a sexist/bad joke but im only telling it in good heart.. 
what did the wife with 2 black eyes say to her husband?
nothing, shes already been told twice.
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Location:
Castlemaine Vic
Registered:
November 2002
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Re: anyone with good jokes out there
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Sat, 04 December 2004 06:19
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two penuts walk in to a bar
one was a-salted
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Location:
Adelaide
Registered:
June 2003
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The lion the monkey and the labrador
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Sat, 04 December 2004 08:02
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a man and his labrador are in africa on a safari. They are sitting in their camp when a lion catches sight of the camp and slowly sneaks up to take a look. The lion sees the man and the labrador, but he has no idea what kind of animal the labrador is, hes never seen anything like it before. The labrador catches sight of the lion, and being the smart dog he is grabs a bone off the ground and starts gnawing on it. Then he says just loud enough so that the lion could hear "man that lion was yummy, im going to have to find another one  "
The lion hearing this thinks better of attacking the man and his dog and slinks off into the jungle. The labrador is happy he outsmarted the lion and starts laughing out loud . Unfortunatly a monkey in a nearby tree witnessed the whole scene and see's that the lion has been tricked. Being naughty like all monkeys are , he runs off to tell the lion what has happened.
luckily being very observant the labrador sees the monkey chase off after the lion...... anyway the monkey runs and runs and eventually catches up with the lion. once the lion hears what has happened he is furious  , he is king of the jungle and all the animals will laugh at him when the find out he was tricked  .
the lion, in a huge rage  , tears through the jungle back to the camp. he is so angry he dosent keep quiet and makes alot of noise running back. the labrador, seeing the monkey jumping along behind through the trees, figures out what has happened. He casually lies down and says "where has that damn monkey gotten to , i sent him off over 1/2 and hour ago to get me another lion"
This ones much more effective to be told as a story out loud, ive allways had laughs so far
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I supported Toymods
Location:
Epping, Sydney
Registered:
May 2002
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Re: anyone with good jokes out there
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Sat, 04 December 2004 10:23
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A guy had a dog with no legs. He called him cigarette, because every day he'd take him for a drag.
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Location:
sydney
Registered:
August 2004
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Re: anyone with good jokes out there
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Sun, 05 December 2004 03:01
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| twincam_ke20 wrote on Sat, 04 December 2004 17:19 |
two penuts walk in to a bar
one was a-salted
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LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!
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Location:
Adelaide
Registered:
August 2004
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Re: anyone with good jokes out there
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Sun, 05 December 2004 08:07
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Three Boy Scouts, a lawyer, a priest, and a pilot are in a plane that is about to crash.
The pilot says "Well, we only have 3 parachutes, let's give them to the 3 Boy Scouts. They are young and have their whole lives in front of them"
The lawyer says "Screw `em!"
The priest says, "Do we have time?"
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Location:
Adelaide
Registered:
August 2004
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Re: anyone with good jokes out there
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Sun, 05 December 2004 08:14
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An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
MORAL:
Don't Mess With Little Old Ladies
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Location:
Adelaide
Registered:
August 2004
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Re: anyone with good jokes out there
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Sun, 05 December 2004 08:40
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When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.
"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, "Oh,...Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong,...but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.
"Here" she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer, and then gave her a mighty kick right in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed: "What in the hell did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied "check for squirrel."
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Location:
brisbane
Registered:
October 2004
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Re: anyone with good jokes out there
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Sun, 05 December 2004 09:38
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a burglar is raiding a house one night and he is carefully
snooping around with a flashlight. he finds a few items and carries on looking around for more... then a voice quietly says i can see you, jesus can see you too... so he freezes and waits for ages before moving, then the voice says again louder i can see you, jesus can see you too.... so he turns on the flashlight and shines it around only to see a parrot,
yes, but you are just a stupid parrot... he mumbles. the parrot
replies... yes i may be a parrot , but jesus is a f&*king doberman
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Location:
Sydney
Registered:
September 2004
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Re: The lion the monkey and the labrador
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Sun, 05 December 2004 14:25
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| lang wrote on Sat, 04 December 2004 19:02 |
a man and his labrador are in africa on a safari. They are sitting in their camp when a lion catches sight of the camp and slowly sneaks up to take a look. The lion sees the man and the labrador, but he has no idea what kind of animal the labrador is, hes never seen anything like it before. The labrador catches sight of the lion, and being the smart dog he is grabs a bone off the ground and starts gnawing on it. Then he says just loud enough so that the lion could hear "man that lion was yummy, im going to have to find another one "
The lion hearing this thinks better of attacking the man and his dog and slinks off into the jungle. The labrador is happy he outsmarted the lion and starts laughing out loud . Unfortunatly a monkey in a nearby tree witnessed the whole scene and see's that the lion has been tricked. Being naughty like all monkeys are , he runs off to tell the lion what has happened.
luckily being very observant the labrador sees the monkey chase off after the lion...... anyway the monkey runs and runs and eventually catches up with the lion. once the lion hears what has happened he is furious , he is king of the jungle and all the animals will laugh at him when the find out he was tricked .
the lion, in a huge rage , tears through the jungle back to the camp. he is so angry he dosent keep quiet and makes alot of noise running back. the labrador, seeing the monkey jumping along behind through the trees, figures out what has happened. He casually lies down and says "where has that damn monkey gotten to , i sent him off over 1/2 and hour ago to get me another lion"
This ones much more effective to be told as a story out loud, ive allways had laughs so far
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HAHAHAHAHAHA GOLD!!!
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Location:
Sydney
Registered:
September 2003
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Re: The lion the monkey and the labrador
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Mon, 06 December 2004 02:53
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60% of european cars are on the road....
the other 40% made it home 
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Location:
Campbelltown
Registered:
November 2003
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Re: anyone with good jokes out there
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Mon, 06 December 2004 03:35
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Gazza53 stop stealing jokes from the back of motor magazine but it is pretty good.
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Location:
1st street on the right
Registered:
November 2002
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Re: anyone with good jokes out there
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Mon, 06 December 2004 11:10
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A man and his wife were in the court getting a divorce. The problem was who
should get custody of the child. The wife jumping up and down said:
"Your Honor. I brought the child into the world with pain and labor.
She should be in my custody.
The judge turns to the husband and says ' What do you have to say in
your defense? The man sat for a while contemplating.then slowly rose.
"Your Honor. If I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes
out. whose Pepsi is it .. the machine's or mine?">
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Location:
Sydney, Shire
Registered:
April 2004
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Re: anyone with good jokes out there
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Mon, 06 December 2004 12:32
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Q- what do u call a deer with no legs no eyes and no penis?
A- StillNoFuckinIdea
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Location:
Liverpool, Sydney
Registered:
September 2004
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Location:
Sydney
Registered:
January 2004
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Re: anyone with good jokes out there
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Tue, 07 December 2004 00:01
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| draven wrote on Sat, 04 December 2004 21:23 |
A guy had a dog with no legs. He called him cigarette, because every day he'd take him for a drag.
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what do you call a dog with short legs and steel balls?
sparky
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Location:
Adelaide, SA
Registered:
May 2002
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Re: anyone with good jokes out there
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Tue, 07 December 2004 00:54
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My tummy is hurting from laughing too much!!
.. or it would be if I wasn't reading these at work.
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Location:
Perth
Registered:
June 2003
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Re: anyone with good jokes out there
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Wed, 08 December 2004 05:07
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Whats got 8 legs and a black cunt? The A-Team
How do you make your girlfriend cry during sex? Call her up
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Pepper spray really stings
Why did so many African Americans die during vietnam? Whenever someone yelled "Get down!" they got up and boogied
How do you get an Irish woman pregnant? And I thought the Irish were stupid
Whats the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute? A drug dealer can't wash his crack and sell it again
Why are there so many battered womens shelters? Because the bitches don't fucking listen
How do you stop a dog humping your leg? Pick it up and give it a blowjob
How do you stop your neighbours kids playing in your yard? Sexually abuse them
Whats the difference between 5 dead babies and a brand new H.S.V? I don't have a new H.S.V in my garage
Whats the difference between a Kiwi and a cunt? A cunt can't go to a party and make a Kiwi of itself
I could go on...
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Location:
Kellyville, Sydney
Registered:
June 2004
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Re: anyone with good jokes out there
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Wed, 08 December 2004 06:33
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whats the best thing about being a siamese twin?
you've got someone to make out with while you masterbate.
whats green, has six legs, and if it falls out of a tree it could kill you?
a pool table
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