| Author | Topic |
|---|
Location:
Brisbane
Registered:
October 2002
|
|
plane jokes
|
Mon, 03 October 2005 11:25
|
 |
Aviation Truisms
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
- General MacArthur
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
- At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."
From an old carrier sailor
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, . the pilot dies."
"Never trade luck for skill."
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?"
"Where are we?"
and "OH SHIT!"
"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."
Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."
"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."
"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."
Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum."
- Jon McBride, astronaut
"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible."
- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
|
|
|
Location:
Kellyville, Sydney
Registered:
June 2004
|
|
Re: plane jokes
|
Mon, 03 October 2005 11:34
|
|
why did the plane crash?
coz the pilot was a tomato
|
|
|
Location:
Brisbane / Gold Coast
Registered:
May 2002
|
|
Re: plane jokes
|
Mon, 03 October 2005 12:29
|
|
|
A real one we actually use - "Runway behind you, sky above you, and fuel in the bowser - All the most useless things in the world".
|
|
|
Location:
Brisbane
Registered:
October 2002
|
|
Re: plane jokes
|
Mon, 03 October 2005 12:33
|
|
| Bill Sherwood wrote on Mon, 03 October 2005 22:29 |
A real one we actually use - "Runway behind you, sky above you, and fuel in the bowser - All the most useless things in the world".
|
we????
|
|
|
Location:
Brisbane / Gold Coast
Registered:
May 2002
|
|
Re: plane jokes
|
Mon, 03 October 2005 14:03
|
|
| Mr DOHC wrote on Mon, 03 October 2005 22:33 |
we????
|
Take a look at my profile to see what my job is. 
Yes, really.
|
|
|
I supported Toymods
Location:
melbourne
Registered:
June 2002
|
|
Re: plane jokes
|
Mon, 03 October 2005 14:13
|
|
HAHAHHAHA
you copied those off thehun didnt you? (I just did)
here are some more:
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a
gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the
aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The
mechanics read and
correct the problem, and then respond in writing on
the lower half of
the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot
reviews the gripe
sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers
lack a sense of
humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance
complaints and problems
as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution
recorded by maintenance
engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major
airline that has never
had an accident.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
SO: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet
per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be
serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds
like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
|
|
|
Location:
Brisbane / Gold Coast
Registered:
May 2002
|
|
Re: plane jokes
|
Mon, 03 October 2005 14:30
|
|
*groan* not those again!
They're about thirty years old, and they're not from Qantas.
But if you haven't seen them before they'd be funny I guess.
|
|
|
Location:
Brisbane / Gold Coast
Registered:
May 2002
|
|
Re: plane jokes
|
Mon, 03 October 2005 14:37
|
|
Here's some 'new' ones you probably haven;t seen yet.
LETTER FROM A RETIRED AIRLINE PILOT TO HIS PEERS:
Here is a home study simulator course for those who still hunger for the romance and adventure of airline flying. That "Romance and Adventure" will all come back to you if you follow the steps of this "practice trip" at home:
1. Stay out of bed all night.
2. Sit in your most uncomfortable chair, in a closet, for nine or ten hours facing a four foot wide panoramic photo of a flight deck.
3. Have two or three noisy vacuum cleaners on high, out of sight but within hearing distance and operating throughout the night. If a vacuum cleaner fails, do the appropriate restart checklist.
4. Halfway through your nocturnal simulator course, arrange for a bright spotlight to shine directly into your face for two or three hours, simulating flying an eastbound flight into the sunrise.
5. Have bland overcooked food served on a tray midway through the night.
6. Have cold cups of coffee delivered from time to time. Ask your spouse to slam the door frequently.
7. At the time when you must heed nature's call, force yourself to stand outside the bathroom door for at least ten minutes, transferring your weight from leg to leg, easing the discomfort. Don't forget to wear your hat.
8. Leave the closet after the prescribed nine or ten hours, turn on your sprinklers and stand out in the cold and "rain" for twenty minutes, simulating the wait for the crew car.
9. Head for your bedroom, wet and with your suitcase and flight bag. Stand outside the door till your wife gets up and leaves, simulating the wait while the maid makes up the hotel room.
10. When your spouse inquires, "Just what in the hell have you been doing?" just say, "Recalling the allure of all night flying to romantic places." as you collapse into bed.
11. If you are a purist, make this a two-day trip instead of a turn-around, and do this two nights in a row.
Hope you enjoy your sim session.
---------------------
What is the ideal cockpit crew? ....... A pilot and a dog...the pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to bite the pilot in case he tries to touch anything.
How many pilots does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one. He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.
How do you know if there is a pilot at your party? He'll tell you.
What do pilots use for birth control? Their personality.
What is the difference between a pilot and a jet engine? A jet engine stops whining soon after landing.
-----------------------
- If Airlines Sold Paint - Think About It!!
Think about this the next time you call about buying an Airline Ticket!
If airlines sold paint.
When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.
Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.
Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?
Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.
Customer: WHAT?
Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.
Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.
Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.
Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a gallon" signs?
Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.
Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!
Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.
Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.
Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.
Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.
Customer: You're insane!
Clerk: Thanks for painting with Qantas.
---------------
DON'T FORGET THE RULES OF COMBAT
1. The important things are always simple; the simple are always hard.
2. Friendly fire - isn't.
3. Suppressive fires - won't.
4. If at first you don't succeed, call in an airstrike
5. If your attack is going well, it's an ambush.
6. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they're ready, when you're not.
7. When you have secured the area, make sure the enemy knows it, too.
8. Incoming fire has the right of way.
9. The newest and least experienced man will will usually win the Medal of Honor.
10. Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the general is.
11. Field experience is something you get right after you need it most.
12. When you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades always fall the farthest away, your canteen lands at your feet.
13. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the weapon's operator.
14. Airstrikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
DON'T FORGET THE RULES OF COMBAT
1. The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire.
2. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
3. Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at.
4. No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat.
5. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.
6. Remember: your aircraft was made by the lowest bidder.
7. Never draw fire, it will irritate the rest of your formation.
8. Never share a cockpit with someone braver than you.
9. You are not Tom Cruise.
10. SAMs and AAA have the right-of-way.
11. If you aren't sure, the SAMs are pointed at you.
12. If hit, landing near the people that just shot you down is not a good idea.
13. Close only counts in horseshoes, nukes and proximity-fused missiles.
14. Smart bombs have bad days too.
15. The best defense is to stay out of range.
16. If you are short on everything but enemy, you are in combat.
-------
You know you're a freight pilot when....
1. Your airplane was getting old when you were born.
2. You have not done a daylight landing in the past six months.
3. ATC advices you of smoother air at a different altitude, but you don't care.
4. You taxi up to an FBO, they roll out the red carpet, but quickly take it back when the recognize you.
5. You call the hotel van to pick you up and they don't understand where you are on the airport.
6. Center asks you to "keep the chickens down" so they can hear you talk.
7. Your airplane has more than 75,000 cycles.
8. Your company call sign is "Oil Can".
9. The lady at the FBO locks up the popcorn machine because you plan on "making a meal of it".
10. Your airplane has more than eight faded logos on it.
11. You wear the same shirt for a week, and no one complains.
12. Center mispronounces your call sign more than three times in one flight.
13. Your Director of Flight Operations mysteriously changes your max takeoff weight during the holiday season.
14. Every FBO makes you park out of sight of their building.
15. You have walked barefoot thought the FBO because you just woke up.
16. You mark every ramp with engine oil.
17. Everything you own is in your flight bag and suitcase.
18. Your company office is a mobile trailer at the side of the ramp.
19. You eat dinner for breakfast and breakfast for dinner.
20. ATC is always asking for pireps because you are the first one through in 3 hours.
21. You turn final at 300' when you are being more cautious.
22. You know from experience that you can get 6 more landings outa those tyres when the canvas starts to show.
23. You keep a bottle of oxygen handy cos you can't get your cabin diff past 2 inches, and portable oxy is cheaper.
24. You know that if you stick some plastic bages in the corner of the door seal you can get another inch of diff press.
25. Your ADF is only used for picking up radio stations.
26. You can recite the locations and frequencies of at least 30 radio stations.
-----
So there ya go.
|
|
|
Banned by his request
Location:
moved to tamworth
Registered:
July 2002
|
|
Re: plane jokes
|
Mon, 03 October 2005 21:36
|
|
has eveyone forgotten "any landing you walk away from,is a good landing":)
or my fav that i pay out on my rotor flying uncle,lol 25000 hours in choppers and you would think he would know better than get in one. "helicopters fly because they vibrate so badly, the earth rejects them"
or my fav sayings " .ucking nazi controllers" and "alright then, pull the bloody tape"
you know youve been flying to long,when you wife{or the attendant you with at the time}asks you if you want something and you reply "click,click".
if the plane bounces less than once, the captian is flying,if it bounces more than 3 times,the captains letting the first officer have a crack.if the plane plows in, you know they let the engineer have a go.
engineers are only put in a plane so the pilot can save his scan time for the attendants.
you know your a GA pilot when you have to fill your own plane.
you really know your in the mile high club,when her foot rests on the mic switch,for the whole 30 secounds.
mick
|
|
|
Location:
Colac, Victoria
Registered:
May 2002
|
|
Re: plane jokes
|
Tue, 04 October 2005 12:31
|
|
not a joke but a question :
Anyone find flying into adelaide airport REALLY rough ???
ive had 3 nasty landings there with 3 different carriers - wondering if its a shite of a place to land ..Flying into Auckland , i think my Emirates pilot was having guesses whether to land on strip one or 2 by the angle he came into the run way
|
|
|
Location:
Brisbane / Gold Coast
Registered:
May 2002
|
|
Re: plane jokes
|
Tue, 04 October 2005 13:06
|
|
| Classique71 wrote on Tue, 04 October 2005 22:31 |
not a joke but a question :
Anyone find flying into adelaide airport REALLY rough ???
ive had 3 nasty landings there with 3 different carriers - wondering if its a shite of a place to land ..Flying into Auckland , i think my Emirates pilot was having guesses whether to land on strip one or 2 by the angle he came into the run way
|
It's often windy there and there's mechanical air turbulence generated off the hills to the east, if there's an easterly wind.
|
|
|
Location:
Brisbane
Registered:
February 2003
|
|
Re: plane jokes
|
Tue, 04 October 2005 13:38
|
|
Last time i flew in an Ansett jet ... when landing in brisbane (in a boeing of some flavour), air-brakes popped up on touch down, i thought thats a good thing, i get to have good look at the hydraulic motors driving driving the pivot shaft for right-wing air-brakes, i also noticed that every motor visible to me had quite recently sprayed hydraulic fluid and lubricant from from the shaft seals coating the wing and underside of the airbrakes, the maintenance (un)impressed me so much i never flew with them again. Plus the plane had massive braking shudder (whole plane shook, very loud sound), pilot kept having to back off the brakes and the shudder seemed to pull plane to one side, was expecting plane to snap off a wheel.
Most frightening landing witnessed - twin turbo prop coming into Brampton Island (off mackay), strip is on edge of island, approach is from landward side (upwind into sea breeze), right next to island is another island, the gap between the two forms funnel and creates interesting winds, pilot was working every moving surface on the plane, engines were bouncing all over the place, it looked like a terryfiying roller-coaster ride, return trip on the same-day-visit boat seemed to have more people than the morning trip over.
Weirdest landing - Rockhampton, approach comes over city and to north of airport, does 180 degree left turn to line up to runway, felt like the end of the 180 was at the inner marker, plane was loosing lots of altitude while it turned (with full flaps and gear down) and as soon as it got wings level it was over the fence, runway markers passed a few moments later and then wheels were down on the runway. pulled up right at the very end of the runway, turning left and straight over to (virgin) terminal. Is that normal for rockvegas?
|
|
|
Banned by his request
Location:
moved to tamworth
Registered:
July 2002
|
|
Re: plane jokes
|
Tue, 04 October 2005 20:21
|
|
lol were to start! ive had many a tight pucker from wind shear.its just a case of waiting to get threw the other side.ive seen some strange things flying over the years.like other planes,never me of course.doing high speed very low level runs up very tight valleys.shaking houses that are owned by cousins!lol i could go on and on.
mick
|
|
|
| Current Time:
Thu Apr 25 05:09:54 UTC 2024 |
Total time taken to generate the page: 0.0043678283691406 seconds |
