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illuminatus
Forums Junkie


Location:
eastern suburbs, melbourne
Registered:
March 2005
funnies Wed, 30 November 2005 01:17 Go to next message
What did cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Gagged

Whats the difference between ur wife and ur job?
After 5 years your job will still suck

Did you hear about the short sighted circumsizer?
He got the sack

When is a pixie not a pixie?
When she's got her head down and elf's pants, then shes a goblin.

Did you hear about the paranoid man with low self esteem?
he thought that nobody important was out to get him

why r pirates called pirates?
they just Aaarrrrggghhhhh!

how do u blind a woman?
put a windscreen infront of her
*runs and hides*

what has two legs and bleeds alot?
half a dog
*************
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go home."
**********
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.
"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream."
So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."
So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, "You now have 3 wishes."
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger."
She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!"
Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"
I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"
****************
A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn’t because she didn’t have any clothes on. He replies, “Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!”

She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "I’m sorry, I think he's too far in."
*****
A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, "What are these things daddy?" His dad said, "Condoms son." The boy asked, "Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?" The dad replied, "The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night, the ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March...."
*****
Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?" The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh' The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you FU*KING *****'
*************
Two afgan families move to australia and agree on a compition of who can become more australian in one year. They go there seperate ways.

A year later they meet up to see who has won the competition. One father says to the other, hey mate what ya doing,

2nd father: ah my oldest son is in the afl grand final and im just going around the corner to buy a slab of VB what about you?

1st Father: Fuk off towel head.
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illuminatus
Forums Junkie


Location:
eastern suburbs, melbourne
Registered:
March 2005
Re: funnies Wed, 30 November 2005 01:18 Go to previous messageGo to next message
ooops, ment to be in the outhouse.
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dimmy77_03
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Location:
Potts Point, Sydney
Registered:
October 2003
Re: funnies Wed, 30 November 2005 03:39 Go to previous message
Laughing Laughing I havent laughed so hard all year

Thanx matey, exactly what i needed Very Happy

[Updated on: Wed, 30 November 2005 03:40]

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