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Location:
Sydney
Registered:
June 2002
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poop list
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Tue, 04 November 2003 12:56
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hey, since i'm already in the out house how about some toilet humour?
this has been around for a while on many different forums so appologies in advance if reposting. and credit goes out to where ever i stole this from.
The Perfect Dump -- Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump -- Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. it could have been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.
The Chili Dump - Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.
The Cable Dump -- Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, ''DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?'' you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.
The Latrine Dump -- In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump. Tip: Don't ever, ever look in the hole.
The Mona Lisa Dump -- This is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too far.
The Empty Roll Dump - You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say ''Where are the curtains?'' Then what would you say? The rug?...too cumbersome. Then you must come to the same conclusion that every ''empty roll dumper'' must face...Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.
The Splash-Back Dump - You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed. Tip: Blot instead of wiping.
The Aborted Dump - You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do.
The Alfresco Dump -- Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambiance that our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop of Brownies or a patch of poison ivy.
The Childbirth Dump -- This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better. You wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming ''Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf.'' You realize you'll have to resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only three things you can do: Scream, call an Obstetrician, or just hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through it.
The Tijuana Trot Dump -- The phrase ''**** Happens'' really applies here in a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you'd be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position. Now you realize why Mexico never had a navy.
The Machine Gun Dump -- You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran, cradling his umbrella like an M16 and shrieking something about “damn Commies.”
The Sound Effect Dump -- You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound effects: flush the toilet, sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem, or drop a handful of quarters on the floor
The Security Dump -- You have enough on your mind when you're in the bathroom without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you can't reach to do this... hum loudly.
The Cling-On Dump -- For the most part you've completed your dump, but there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors.
The Houdini Dump -- You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? You'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.
The Flu Dump -- You feel so bad that you don't know which end of you to put down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down again...up down up down. Don't you wish Mom were close by?
The Porta-Pottie Dump -- Construction workers and outdoor concert goers will tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be, “It's like taking a **** in an upright coffin.” It's claustrophobic and it smells bad... best advice... go in a paper cup.
The Proctologist Dump -- In the beginning, the Lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump, because there is nothing biblical about it -- you run out of gas. That's right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You've only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you're a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it??
The Whole Roll Dump -- No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole episode is consumer waste.
The Graffiti Dump -- You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curlicue hangs there...love it or leave it. Its your choice.
The Encore Dump - Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The world's record is seven encores.
The Born Again Dump - This is a dump that's going so badly, you say “Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion.” You always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is like childbirth... you forget the pain quickly.
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Location:
Sydney
Registered:
June 2002
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Re: poop list
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Tue, 04 November 2003 12:58
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what the...
“
<shruggz>
didnt see that when i copied and pasted 
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Location:
Ballarat, Victoria
Registered:
March 2003
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Re: poop list
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Tue, 04 November 2003 13:30
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how good is the perfect dump when it comes along?
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Location:
sydney
Registered:
May 2002
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Re: poop list
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Tue, 04 November 2003 19:09
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*feeling inadequate about your poo
*not sure if it is to satisfy others
*compare,vote and have peice.
www.ratemypoo.com
sorry
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Location:
Perth
Registered:
August 2003
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Re: poop list
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Tue, 04 November 2003 20:21
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ohhh that shit is funny
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Location:
Brisvegas
Registered:
June 2003
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Re: poop list
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Wed, 05 November 2003 01:55
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LMAO
love the beer dump...sick..but funny
anyone lay splash paper....i find its very effective in combating the spalsh-back type
& that website...oh dear
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Location:
ballarat
Registered:
April 2003
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Re: poop list
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Wed, 05 November 2003 02:07
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something tells me i shouldn't take a look at that web site at work... i'll wait till i get home
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Registered:
October 2003
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Re: poop list
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Wed, 05 November 2003 02:32
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Mehehehe. I'm yet to meet someone who has performed all of those dumps in their lifetime.
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Registered:
October 2003
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Re: poop list
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Wed, 05 November 2003 02:33
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By the way way.... the houdini dump is a classic. Hats off to that!
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Registered:
October 2003
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Re: poop list
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Wed, 05 November 2003 02:38
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They didn't mention the dump where it's heavy as a rock and no matter how many times u flush, u can't get rid of the thing. what would u call that one?
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Location:
Ballarat, Victoria
Registered:
March 2003
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Re: poop list
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Wed, 05 November 2003 02:49
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| Nige wrote on Wed, 05 November 2003 13:38 |
They didn't mention the dump where it's heavy as a rock and no matter how many times u flush, u can't get rid of the thing. what would u call that one?
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yep, i think they missed the floater too? you cant get rid of him 
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Location:
Cabramatta, NSW
Registered:
May 2002
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Registered:
October 2003
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Re: poop list
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Wed, 05 November 2003 04:30
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hahaha foetus, actually u've gave me an another idea on that. there is the floater where u flush n flush and u cant get rid of, and then there's the heavy ass turd, where it just sits on the bottom of the bowl and doesnt budge even if u flush 100 times. that one is a cunt, cos changes colour if u dont get rid of it within a week. muahaha
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Location:
Sydney
Registered:
June 2003
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Re: poop list
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Wed, 05 November 2003 05:10
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lol.
That's sick and wrong.
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Location:
Ballarat, Victoria
Registered:
March 2003
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Re: poop list
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Thu, 06 November 2003 06:04
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| Nige wrote on Wed, 05 November 2003 15:30 |
hahaha foetus, actually u've gave me an another idea on that. there is the floater where u flush n flush and u cant get rid of, and then there's the heavy ass turd, where it just sits on the bottom of the bowl and doesnt budge even if u flush 100 times. that one is a cunt, cos changes colour if u dont get rid of it within a week. muahaha
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lol, so true.
how bad is it after you've been drinking coloured alcohol ($1 Komodos, think cheap cruisers)....and they make your poop funny colours....ie green or blue!!     
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Location:
Sydney
Registered:
January 2003
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Re: poop list
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Thu, 06 November 2003 08:11
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| Nige wrote on Wed, 05 November 2003 13:38 |
They didn't mention the dump where it's heavy as a rock and no matter how many times u flush, u can't get rid of the thing. what would u call that one?
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I think its called an "un-flushable" Now that really is toilet humour omg....did I just say something so lame...hmmm....
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Formerly TRD_RoLLa
Registered:
May 2002
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Re: poop list
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Thu, 06 November 2003 12:04
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shit happens...
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Registered:
May 2003
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Re: poop list
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Fri, 07 November 2003 05:22
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| Nige wrote on Wed, 05 November 2003 15:30 |
hahaha and then there's the heavy ass turd, where it just sits on the bottom of the bowl and doesnt budge even if u flush 100 times. that one is a cunt, cos changes colour if u dont get rid of it within a week. muahaha
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Imma lay the blame here...but i've seen juzzo84 lay a few of them.....NOT NICE
MEL
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Location:
Brisbane
Registered:
October 2002
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Re: poop list
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Sat, 08 November 2003 11:53
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| Quote: |
The Machine Gun Dump -- You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran, cradling his umbrella like an M16 and shrieking something about “damn Commies.”
The Cling-On Dump -- For the most part you've completed your dump, but there's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person pounding impatiently on the door has scissors.
The Proctologist Dump -- In the beginning, the Lord created the earth, the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump, because there is nothing biblical about it -- you run out of gas. That's right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead. You've only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you're a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it??
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The Cling-On Dump
jeez they are annoying
The Proctologist Dump
i dont know about u guys but i've never gone looking for a shit
they forget the liquid shit, where water is thicker than it is. it nicely sprays your ass with molten shit and the only way to get it off is a nice cold shower
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Re: poop list