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Location:
Brisbane
Registered:
October 2002
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how to crap at work
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Sun, 16 November 2003 00:41
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CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is
not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have
just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER
A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will
often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.
THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can
least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace.
WATERMELON
A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water.
This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates series of loud splashes in the
toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend
extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
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Location:
melbourne
Registered:
July 2003
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Re: how to crap at work
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Sun, 16 November 2003 04:53
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 Brillant
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Location:
Ballarat, Victoria
Registered:
March 2003
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Re: how to crap at work
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Sun, 16 November 2003 06:20
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oh so true. i love it 
except we are used to calling "the walk of shame" the act of leaving a group of friends to take a shit, and the subsequent walk.
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Location:
1st street on the right
Registered:
November 2002
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Re: how to crap at work
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Sun, 16 November 2003 11:06
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I work on a dive barge without toilet in the middle of the harbour. So we all use the same bucket recharged with seawater before "release", downstairs in the lunchroom/workshop so we all know only one of four cpuld have done it.
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Location:
Perth
Registered:
November 2002
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Re: how to crap at work
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Mon, 17 November 2003 08:45
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I'm an expert crop duster
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Location:
Sydney
Registered:
June 2002
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Re: how to crap at work
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Mon, 17 November 2003 12:55
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....can't.... stop..... laughing....
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Location:
Perth
Registered:
September 2002
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Re: how to crap at work
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Mon, 17 November 2003 14:18
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| gtman wrote on Mon, 17 November 2003 16:45 |
I'm an expert crop duster
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i'm glad i dont work with/near you then
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Location:
Perth
Registered:
November 2002
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Re: how to crap at work
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Mon, 17 November 2003 15:54
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I've never really done it when I've been at work, as I've always worked in small places so the chances of being caught are fairly 100%, but I do it lots when I'm out in shops etc
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Location:
Perth
Registered:
September 2002
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Re: how to crap at work
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Tue, 18 November 2003 00:36
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hahha yeah, i'll 2nd that notion
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Location:
mboro
Registered:
November 2003
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Re: how to crap at work
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Wed, 19 November 2003 08:57
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excel phil ive had a good laugh
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I supported Toymods
Location:
sydney
Registered:
May 2002
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Re: how to crap at work
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Sun, 23 November 2003 05:51
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My God....
thats almost as good as being told.. " hey i'm just off for a crap"
I've had that one many times before, Not sure it fits into any of the categories tho.
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