Author | Topic |
Location: Kellyville, Sydney
Registered: June 2004
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Re: Girls Night Out (funnys thread)
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Tue, 30 August 2005 02:07
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man walks into a bar
man: 5 shots of scotch thanks.
bartender: Whats the occasions?
man: I Just had my first blowjob.
bartender: Oh, so you're celebrating.
man: Nah, just trying to get the fucking taste out of my mouth.
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Location: Tasmania, Evandale
Registered: April 2005
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Location: Canberra
Registered: August 2003
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Re: Girls Night Out (funnys thread)
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Tue, 30 August 2005 04:10
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Whats blue and yellow and lies at the bottom of the pool?
Baby with it's floaties slashed.
Whats green and yellow and lies at the bottom of the pool?
same baby 3 months later.
Whats red and yellow and floats on top of the pool?
Floaties with its baby slashed.
what is yellow and lies at the bottom of the pool?
a bulldozer.
2 fish in a tank, one said to the other how the hell do we drive this thing?
5 women walk into a bar, you would have thought at least one would have ducked.
A horse walks into the bar, barman says why the long face?
A seal walks into a club.
Why couldn't the cat drink it's milk?
Cos its head was stapled to the ceiling.
What do you call a fly with no legs?
A walk
Why did the fourth koala fall out of the tree?
Got hit by the first one.
Why did the wombat die?
got hit by all the falling koala's.
Why did the rabbit die?
miximatosis (spelling?)
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Location: Kellyville, Sydney
Registered: June 2004
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Re: Girls Night Out (funnys thread)
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Tue, 30 August 2005 04:51
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whats the best thing about being a siamese twin?
you've got someone to make out with while you beat off.
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Location: Campbelltown
Registered: November 2003
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Re: Girls Night Out (funnys thread)
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Tue, 30 August 2005 04:54
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Whats the difference between a dead baby and sand?
You can't pick the sand up with a pitch fork.
Dead baby jokes are sick but anyway
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Location: Newcastle
Registered: June 2004
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Re: Girls Night Out (funnys thread)
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Tue, 30 August 2005 07:05
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mynameisrodney wrote on Tue, 30 August 2005 14:51 | whats the best thing about being a siamese twin?
you've got someone to make out with while you beat off.
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HAHAHA, That's terrible!!!
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Location: Bunbury, W.A.
Registered: January 2005
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Re: Girls Night Out (funnys thread)
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Tue, 30 August 2005 11:02
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What's brown and sticky?
A stick
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot
What's big, yeallow and can't swim?
A bulldozer
It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and
asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again.
"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
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Location: Canberra
Registered: August 2004
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Re: Girls Night Out (funnys thread)
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Wed, 31 August 2005 12:11
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well if were doing dead baby jokes, i better have my say....
Why couldnt the baby walk through the door?
Because it had a javelin through its head
How do you get ten babies in a bucket?
With a blender
Whats better than ten babies in one bucket?
One baby in ten buckets
Whats wrong with screwing twentyone year olds?
Theres twenty of them
This one is my personal fave, and deeply disturbed me the first time i heard it (and stil somewhat does....)
Whats the problems with screwing one year olds?
The pelvis cracking and cleaning the blood off your clown suit...
ok now to change the subject.....
A preist and a rabbi are walking down the street when they come across a young boy.
PREIST: Wanna screw him?
RABBI: Out of what?
Whats the difference between a priest and acne?
Acne comes on a boys face after age 13...
If you want me to remove anything say so.....
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Location: Campbelltown
Registered: November 2003
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Location: Kellyville, Sydney
Registered: June 2004
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Re: Girls Night Out (funnys thread)
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Wed, 31 August 2005 12:41
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^^
whats the difference between 10 dead babies and a mustang?
i dont have a mustang in my garage.
how many babies does it take to tile a roof?
depends how thin you slice them.
what do you call a bike thats covered in blood?
a menstrual cycle.
why do women get periods?
because they deserve them.
why is a woman like a slinky?
they are both pretty much useless, but its still fun to push them down the stairs.
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Location: Coffs Harbour
Registered: October 2004
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Re: Girls Night Out (funnys thread)
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Wed, 31 August 2005 14:55
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For his birthday, Little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.
The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door with suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you tell mum you were pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no f...ing bike!
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Location: Coffs Harbour
Registered: October 2004
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Re: Girls Night Out (funnys thread)
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Wed, 31 August 2005 14:57
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A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
>>me.
>> >I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it
>> >started."
>> >
>> >Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
>> >
>> >The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a
>>rooster."
>> >
>> >Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
>> >She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
>>the
>> >table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then
>>
>> >turns to her and says,
>> >"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
>>assemble
>> >these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
>> >He takes her hand and says,
>> >"Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and
>>then....."
>> >he sighed, "...let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."
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Location: Coffs Harbour
Registered: October 2004
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Re: Girls Night Out (funnys thread)
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Wed, 31 August 2005 14:58
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A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
>>
>>They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
>>His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
>>
>>"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
>>
>>When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and
>>brings
>>over a Budweiser.
>>
>>His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know
>>that you drink Budweiser?"
>>
>>"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
>>
>>A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave,
>>and
>>says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
>>
>>Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
>>
>>Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the
>>door,
>>he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper
>>must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of
>>it.
>>She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in
>>the book.
>>
>>The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch
>>tonight, Dave."
>>
>>Boom, boom....
>>
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Location: Adelaide
Registered: January 2005
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Re: Girls Night Out (funnys thread)
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Sat, 03 September 2005 11:59
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hahhaa holy fuck ive just been crying from larfter for the past 45mins.
awesum stuff
cheers scott
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Registered: July 2005
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Re: Girls Night Out (funnys thread)
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Sun, 04 September 2005 05:43
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First-grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at recess?"
Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."
Teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."
She does and gets a cookie. Teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.
Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."
Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."
Morris does, and gets a cookie. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess.
He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me."
Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."
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Location: Adelaide
Registered: November 2003
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Location: Coffs Harbour
Registered: October 2004
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Location: Kellyville, Sydney
Registered: June 2004
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Location: Coffs Harbour
Registered: October 2004
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Re: Girls Night Out (funnys thread)
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Sun, 04 September 2005 12:41
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mmmmmmmmm wats the 13th oyster ?
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Location: Sydney NSW
Registered: August 2005
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Re: Girls Night Out (funnys thread)
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Sun, 04 September 2005 12:44
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GM
General Maintenance
Great Mistake
Garbage Motors
Generally Miserable
Grossly Misconceived
Gluteus Maximus
GMC
Garage Man's Companion
Gotta Mechanic Coming?
Generally Mediocre Cars
Get More Chicks
Gets Mechanics Crazy
Gods Mechanical Curse
Got More Crap
Great Mountain Climber
Great Motor Car
GTO
Gas, Tires, Oil
HONDA
Had One Never Did Again
Hang On, Not Done Accelerating
Hallmark Of Non-Descript Automobiles
Hallmark Of Non-Destructable Automobiles
HYUNDAI Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...
JEEP
Just Eats Every Part
Junk Engineering Executed Poorly
Just Empty Every Pocket
MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
MG
Money Guzzler
MGB
Might Go Backwards
MGF
Might Go Forward
MIATA
My Intention Always To Accelerate
MOPAR
Many Odd Parts Arranged Randomly
Miscellaneous Oddball Parts Assembled Ridiculously
Most Often Passed At Races
Mostly Old Parts And Rust
Move Over People Are Racing
Move Over Plymouth Approaching Rapidly
My Old Pig Ain't Running
My Only Problems Are Repairs
MUSTANG
Motor Under Strain, Transmission Almost No Good
OLDSMOBILE
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
old ladies driving slowly making other behind insanely late everyday
PINTO
Put In Nickel To Operate
Paid Inspector Nicely To Overlook
PLYMOUTH
Please Leave Your Money Out Under The Hood
PORSCHE
Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything
SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown
Sad Attempt At Beauty
Sorry Auto, Always Broken
Shape Appears Ass-Backwards
SUBARU
Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually
TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
Torturous On Your Old Tired Ass
The One You Ought To Avoid
TRIUMPH
This Really Is Unreliable Man, Please Help!
Tried Repairing It Until My Parts Hurt!
VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
VW
Virtually Worthless
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Registered: July 2005
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Re: Girls Night Out (funnys thread)
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Mon, 05 September 2005 06:48
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yeha sorry guys i was meant to put up i hopoe this doesnt offend anyone cos its jsut a little fun apologiess for anyone who was offended
cheers dino
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Location: Sydney
Registered: September 2003
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Re: Girls Night Out (funnys thread)
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Mon, 05 September 2005 12:37
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Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.
Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.
Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.
Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"
Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.
Q: Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test?
A: Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.
Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.
Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.
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Location: melbourne
Registered: October 2003
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Re: Girls Night Out (funnys thread)
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Mon, 05 September 2005 13:25
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can someone pm me the dirty joke? i didnt see it before it was moderated.
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Location: Perth, WA
Registered: December 2004
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Re: Girls Night Out (funnys thread)
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Mon, 05 September 2005 13:43
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yeah, what he said ^
damn quick moderators
Eldar.O.
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Location: Canberra
Registered: August 2003
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Re: Girls Night Out (funnys thread)
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Tue, 06 September 2005 02:32
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forced_induction wrote on Wed, 31 August 2005 22:11 |
Whats the problems with screwing one year olds?
The pelvis cracking and cleaning the blood off your clown suit...
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I would like to know what crossed the line if this didn't??
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Location: Sydney
Registered: September 2003
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Re: Girls Night Out (funnys thread)
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Tue, 06 September 2005 02:46
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Squid wrote on Tue, 06 September 2005 12:32 |
forced_induction wrote on Wed, 31 August 2005 22:11 |
Whats the problems with screwing one year olds?
The pelvis cracking and cleaning the blood off your clown suit...
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I would like to know what crossed the line if this didn't??
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That is beyond sick .
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Location: Newcastle
Registered: June 2004
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Re: Girls Night Out (funnys thread)
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Tue, 06 September 2005 03:43
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mynameisrodney wrote on Tue, 30 August 2005 14:51 | whats the best thing about being a siamese twin?
you've got someone to make out with while you beat off.
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LOL!
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Location: adelaide
Registered: April 2003
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Re: Girls Night Out (funnys thread)
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Tue, 06 September 2005 13:26
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what colour does a baby turn in the microwave??
i dunno i was too busy masturbating
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Location: Canberra
Registered: August 2004
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Re: Girls Night Out (funnys thread)
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Wed, 07 September 2005 02:36
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^^^^^^
What is the dirty one i missed out on? anyone wanna pm me it?
Thanks bitches
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Location: Adelaide
Registered: November 2003
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Location: Brisbane
Registered: January 2005
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Re: Girls Night Out (funnys thread)
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Fri, 09 September 2005 00:15
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2 redneck are just married and on the wedding night the redneck wife says to the redneck husband "please be gentle its my first time". The redneck husband jumps up and races to the phone to call home. "Dad," he says, "She says its her first time."
To which the father replies "Come home son. If she's not good enough for her family, she's not good enough for ours"
A sailor gets married to a young girl, and before the wedding night the father says to the daughter 'you be careful, darling. these sailors are a funny bunch. NEVER agree to have sex with him "the other way"'. Anyways theyve been married a while and the girl still doesnt know what her father meant but she cant stop thinking about it. So she asks her husband 'Can we have sex "the other way"?'. He replies "What? And risk pregnancy?"
Hehe.
Whats the hardest part about having sex with a chick that has no pubes?
Putting her nappy back on.
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Location: Newcastle, Australia
Registered: March 2005
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Re: Girls Night Out (funnys thread)
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Fri, 09 September 2005 03:05
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LOL that last one is wrong!!
Don't fart in bed
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of
farting loudlyevery morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes
water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off
because it was making her sick.
He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.
She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he
would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out!
Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey
for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl
where shehad put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the
spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound
asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the
elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts
into hisshorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual
trumpeting whichwas followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic
footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes!After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty
good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have
warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting
my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of
God, someVaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
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Location: Newcastle
Registered: June 2004
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Re: Girls Night Out (funnys thread)
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Wed, 14 September 2005 23:31
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Got this one in a work email:
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"; The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little scared." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze". The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A Circumcision." And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year"
[Updated on: Wed, 14 September 2005 23:33]
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Location: Newcastle
Registered: June 2004
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Re: Girls Night Out (funnys thread)
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Wed, 14 September 2005 23:37
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Another one
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she
selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, " 'Cause you're ugly "
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Location: Newcastle
Registered: June 2004
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Re: Girls Night Out (funnys thread)
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Wed, 14 September 2005 23:44
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And one more
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Location: Kellyville, Sydney
Registered: June 2004
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Re: Girls Night Out (funnys thread)
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Wed, 14 September 2005 23:44
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^^^HAAAHHAHAHAHAAHHAHAAHAH
thats awesome
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Location: Melbourne
Registered: January 2005
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Re: Girls Night Out (funnys thread)
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Wed, 14 September 2005 23:48
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thats ace
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Location: Newcastle
Registered: June 2004
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Re: Girls Night Out (funnys thread)
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Wed, 14 September 2005 23:52
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The old fella's face who gets the tie is priceless, he is wishin he got a HJ instead
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Location: Campbelltown
Registered: November 2003
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Re: Girls Night Out (funnys thread)
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Wed, 14 September 2005 23:58
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How do you know your at a gay barbeque?
the sausages taste like shit.
What goes around and round and taps on windows?
a baby in a microwave.
Whats worse than paper breasts?
cardboard box.
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Registered: December 2004
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Re: Girls Night Out (funnys thread)
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Thu, 15 September 2005 00:14
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The Beer Prayer
Our Lager
Which art in Barrels
Hallowed be thy drink
Thy will be drunk
( I will be drunk )
At home as I'am in the Tavern
Give us this day our our foamy head
And forgive us our spillages
As we forgive those who will spill against us
And lead us not into incarceration
But deliver us from hangovers
For thine is the beer
The bitter and the lager
Forever and ever Barmen.
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Registered: December 2004
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Re: Girls Night Out (funnys thread)
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Thu, 15 September 2005 00:35
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Why is it that?
A woman has the last word in any arguement.
And anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new arguement.
Why is it that?
A woman worries about the future until she gets married.
And a man worries about the future when he gets married.
Why is it that?
A successful man is one who makes more money then his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Why is it that?
A woman marries a man exspecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman exspecting she won't change, and she does.
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Location: Sydney
Registered: July 2005
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Re: Girls Night Out (funnys thread)
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Fri, 16 September 2005 14:00
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lame but meh...true story....
this guy's at a train station and he has a bike
he goes to pay for his ticket and says one way adult thanks..
and as he says this a really really overweight woman buys her ticket at a seperate window. as the man with the bike is purchasing his ticket the man serving him asks if tat is his
bike? and the man says yeh it is.... the ticket operator says
well you have to buy a ticket for those....the man replies how much will this cost?? the man serving says the same as an adult ticket.... this guy with the bike went off the richter!!!
i'm not paying F%#@ing extra blah blah ...the operator explains that if you are taking up that much extra space you must purchase an extra ticket.... so this guy still angry says well what about her and points to the overly overweight woman and says i dont see any one making her pay extra...which was funny cos the operator got shut down..but a tad slack
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Location: Sydney
Registered: August 2004
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Re: Girls Night Out (funnys thread)
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Fri, 16 September 2005 23:47
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These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published
by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges
were actually taking place.
Emjoy............
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one year old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one..
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
law.
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